A Choice

Today a wise mama posted words hit me like a bat to the head.  A well needed blow may I add.  One of my favorite bloggers, Nici from Dig this Chick, wrote an amazing, mind-blowing entry about making choices in her life.  Finding balance. Being present. 

"My daughters have helped me remember that we have choices about most things. Feeling panicked or overwhelmed is a choice."

Since this summer, I have felt overwhelmed from the present.  My father-in-law suffered a second major stroke at the same time our house was torn to shreds for massive renovations. Two factors of my life that I relate to stability and to endless joy became anything but solid.  The physical changes planted a seed of upheaval within me. I let it establish strong roots.  

I masked the anxiety this summer by enjoying the time living on the boat and then spent away on vacations.  But as fall replaced summer I felt the weight of supporting my family through my husband’s reeducation stack on the mounding pressures.  And then I let everything get to me - deciding Alex’s future schooling, my Dad’s health concerns, my father-in-law’s progress, my pending job changes, and money.  I was numb and exhausted.  I could not enjoy my frequent visits to Pennsylvania, seeing that my attention was focused on attending to family needs. I walked away from simple pleasures including posting on this blog, and then felt guilty for dropping it.

And then it took 7 simple words - feeling panicked and overwhelmed is a choice - to sucker-punch me out of my fog.  Holy shit.  It was my choice. It is my choice.  I need to look at those words every day.  I need to remember that I alone decide to be present or not.  

Yesterday I took advantage of an extremely mild day in mid-November to walk to lunch versus a quick drive.  And I was enjoying the warmth, I thought about the book One Thousand Gifts, and how I never started recording my gifts of the every day in a journal.  Then I thought that my first blessing to record should be: Walking on a sunny, mild day. I can see that the healing started yesterday.  I know that I'm capable.

:: July Recap ::

Ben and I were asked once again to drive the Faces of Valor mobile in the Galesville, MD 4th of July parade.  Our little Statue of Liberty was as popular as the car.

I made her costume last summer from a small sheet, 1/2 yard of 1" foam, a bit of dye, a sharpie pen, and sharp sheers.  Who knew it would get so much mileage.

:: Martha's Vineyard ::

There's still something rustic and unpolished about the island of Martha's Vineyard, MA.

It's where I grew up as a teen.  It's where we got married 20 years ago.  It's where I share space with my dearest of friends who opens her vacation to us every summer. I know that roaming here with her by my side is a blessing. A gift.

We gladly trade television for nature's creatures at low tide. Every single day.

Grey proves year-after-year that he has the special touch with the local creatures.

:: Long Point Beach - how I have a crush on you. Shallow freshwater lagoon on one side and the blue Atlantic ocean on the other; with the two waters separated by a strip of dunes and a lot of poison ivy. The space beacons that you bring it all - shovels, toys, and colorful beach umbrellas.

:: Chappaquiddick - a new adventure for us.  A local island, accessed by a fast boat ride. Without cars, the island can only be discovered by foot. We gladly obliged.

:: There's a natural connection between our three children.  They will grow up knowing each other and remembering all the crazy moments.

I love this place so much. It makes my soul swim in deep happiness.

And looking back tonight reminds me that life will fall in place as it ebbs and flows. And that I have the choice to control my perspective.  I'm not saying that I will ignore the need to worry about the details, but I cannot allow it to control my reality. The one that I appreciate so.

1. Taking a walk on a mild fall day.

2. Gathering leaves.

3. Sleeping next to my daughter.

4. Fresh roasted coffee with cream.

On (Vineyard) Time

I used to have a small black Honda CRX that I lovingly named "spot".  If you know anything about manual cars, there's a part of the transmission called the synchronizer.  If the synchronizer is not working correctly, shifting in either direction generates a temporary snag like the grinding of teeth with a handful of sand in there to boot.  It used to make me jump, apologize to the car, and somehow gingerly try to continue shifting, forcing the car to move in the direction I so desired. Sometimes I feel my synchronizer is wearing out when I cannot achieve my set goals or focus on my tasks; and in the process of moving forward, I get caught by surprise.  And I resist, catching gears, grinding until I am forced to keep going.  Ugh. That's what my days are, frosted like a cake with a little one who won't go to sleep, resisting, grinding in her own measure.  I'm left deflated, defeated, heading to bed without time to recharge.  All things creative sit in piles.
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If I don't have the time to sit and sew for a few hours, I can reset myself through a good run.  It's the escape from my surroundings, forcing fresh air into my lungs, exhaling the stress, flushing my head and body of all things negative.  As my dear friend Shannon said the other night, "You don't need much to run.  Just good shoes."  She's so right.  

So tonight when I came home stumbling in my own skin, I knew that it was time to strap on those shoes, and entice Alex to go along for the ride.

I push the Chariot (aka the BOB), pick a variety of flowers for Alex, and as I run, we talk about why we should only pick a few instead of her desire for "yots and yots."  

Nice bouquet, eh?

We hope to see a deer, a fox, or maybe a turtle, but sometimes just talking and being together is all we need. She's my girl.

Hello sunflower! So nice for you to greet us after our run.

During my summer runs, I leave the Ipod on the dresser.  There's no need. We live near the water, so I like to soak in the noises of my surroundings.  The orchestra of cicadas clacking, the peepers and birds interjecting, the sound of airhorns blasting to signal the end of a weekly sailboat race.  By far, it doesn't suck.

Did I mention how proud Alex was to hold her first sunflower? She even gave it a little voice, & it had a lot to say.

We run through the woods near our house, and I say to Alex "Listen to that.  What do you hear?" and she says, "Oh Mommy, that's the sound of summer. Oooo."


And those woods may be limited, but they remind Ben and me of Martha's Vineyard.  The trees line a narrow two lane road, canopying the surface. Poison ivy blanketing the ground.  The wooded path that I follow parallels the road, and with the sun setting, I capture an Island moment even if only for a hot second. Oh it's good.


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The Vineyard is the one place where I can go and feel balanced from the moment I step onto the ferry. Ben & I have been going there since both of us were children, long before we met.  His family vacationed there when he was a child.  And both of us and our siblings grew up going to FOCUS camps.  My dearest friend Christina and I met as leaders at a FOCUS camp 20 years ago. And Ben & I wed on the island 19 years ago, surrounded by just our family, celebrating our love.  Between Ben's sister and Christina, we have the opportunity to be on "Vineyard time" a few times a year.


And the best part about the Vineyard?  Limited cell service.  It's funny but an expected activity to watch all of the adults try to function normally without a signal.  It takes me the first day to adjust and then I gladly turn the phone off for the week. I can feel myself reseting, releasing, letting go, finding balance. See ya Verizon.
::  
This summer's adventure did not disappoint.
 Within an hour of arriving, we grabbed buckets and nets and headed straight for the beach.  

Last year Alex was terrified of the surf and the noise it made rolling over the rocks.  This year, I had to drag her off of beach. Alex spend hours romping, running, singing, and dancing around the water.  Oh, my little fairy.


Alex simply loves Grey and Gunnar, and Christina and I cherish watching the kids grow up together. And as much as we use the kids as the excuse, Christina and I love to spend concentrated time together, hiking for miles, talking about garden design, business, & our families.  Just. Being. Friends. I love her so.

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There was plenty of time spent at the beach.  The inlet at Menemsha at low tide is the perfect spot for children to hunt for crabs, moon jellies, and star fish.  It's childhood nirvana.

With the help of squid chunks, we were on the hunt.

Polly was completely disgusted handling the squid.  Gunnar, not so much.

Christina took the prize home for capturing the greatest number of crabs.  She took her job very seriously and shushed everyone away.

Cousins.

Oh, and I love this little one.

::
We spent another day paddling kayaks in the harbor.  

We all partnered up with a kid and headed off.

Polly was my partner and was keen enough to slither on and off the kayak without flipping the boat. Much appreciated sista!

Cari and I shared a funny "only with a kid" moment out on the water.

(This adventure is reason 224 as to why I should have a waterproof point and shoot.)


We returned to the beach to share pizza and the craziest chocolate chip cookies ever, and the kids got right to work. Grant & Polly created a minnow trap, and Alex and Gunnar focused on pushing Ben into the water.  

He's a clown.  He's only in a 1' of water. But oh how it made the kids bubble with laughter.

::
In order to maintain a level of sanity, I always bring a huge bag of supplies and toys for the kids.  Activities, crafts, distractions…call it what you want, but happy children = happy parents.  We did tie dying again this year and Grey got a one-on-one lesson on folding techniques.  After seeing his frustration last year, I knew he would appreciate the extra attention and could walk into the activity feeling confident and prepared. 

Seriously, does Tie Dying ever get old?

Alex decided dying her feet purple would be better than applying it to the cloth.  And why did I thing that Grey would use his skin as a canvas first?  Oh they share the same spirit for sure.

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There were so many other moments that made this vacation, but seriously, the beach always wins.  

Longpoint is by far my favorite site - a fresh water lagoon and the ocean separated ever so slightly by a belt of dunes. 

And on the beach, kids only need sunscreen and shovels.  Their imaginations fill in the spaces between.

Have I mentioned my deep love for this child?

Oh girl, I love your more than chocolate and cake.


There were so many other moments at the Vineyard that made us laugh and forced me to find my center. I wish that I could feel that way everyday, but then again it's special to have those moments. So for now, I'll keep working through the kinks and hope that a combination of running and creative activities will help synchronize my soul and keep me in the moment without hesitation. I cannot lie.  It's all good.