A Choice

Today a wise mama posted words hit me like a bat to the head.  A well needed blow may I add.  One of my favorite bloggers, Nici from Dig this Chick, wrote an amazing, mind-blowing entry about making choices in her life.  Finding balance. Being present. 

"My daughters have helped me remember that we have choices about most things. Feeling panicked or overwhelmed is a choice."

Since this summer, I have felt overwhelmed from the present.  My father-in-law suffered a second major stroke at the same time our house was torn to shreds for massive renovations. Two factors of my life that I relate to stability and to endless joy became anything but solid.  The physical changes planted a seed of upheaval within me. I let it establish strong roots.  

I masked the anxiety this summer by enjoying the time living on the boat and then spent away on vacations.  But as fall replaced summer I felt the weight of supporting my family through my husband’s reeducation stack on the mounding pressures.  And then I let everything get to me - deciding Alex’s future schooling, my Dad’s health concerns, my father-in-law’s progress, my pending job changes, and money.  I was numb and exhausted.  I could not enjoy my frequent visits to Pennsylvania, seeing that my attention was focused on attending to family needs. I walked away from simple pleasures including posting on this blog, and then felt guilty for dropping it.

And then it took 7 simple words - feeling panicked and overwhelmed is a choice - to sucker-punch me out of my fog.  Holy shit.  It was my choice. It is my choice.  I need to look at those words every day.  I need to remember that I alone decide to be present or not.  

Yesterday I took advantage of an extremely mild day in mid-November to walk to lunch versus a quick drive.  And I was enjoying the warmth, I thought about the book One Thousand Gifts, and how I never started recording my gifts of the every day in a journal.  Then I thought that my first blessing to record should be: Walking on a sunny, mild day. I can see that the healing started yesterday.  I know that I'm capable.

:: July Recap ::

Ben and I were asked once again to drive the Faces of Valor mobile in the Galesville, MD 4th of July parade.  Our little Statue of Liberty was as popular as the car.

I made her costume last summer from a small sheet, 1/2 yard of 1" foam, a bit of dye, a sharpie pen, and sharp sheers.  Who knew it would get so much mileage.

:: Martha's Vineyard ::

There's still something rustic and unpolished about the island of Martha's Vineyard, MA.

It's where I grew up as a teen.  It's where we got married 20 years ago.  It's where I share space with my dearest of friends who opens her vacation to us every summer. I know that roaming here with her by my side is a blessing. A gift.

We gladly trade television for nature's creatures at low tide. Every single day.

Grey proves year-after-year that he has the special touch with the local creatures.

:: Long Point Beach - how I have a crush on you. Shallow freshwater lagoon on one side and the blue Atlantic ocean on the other; with the two waters separated by a strip of dunes and a lot of poison ivy. The space beacons that you bring it all - shovels, toys, and colorful beach umbrellas.

:: Chappaquiddick - a new adventure for us.  A local island, accessed by a fast boat ride. Without cars, the island can only be discovered by foot. We gladly obliged.

:: There's a natural connection between our three children.  They will grow up knowing each other and remembering all the crazy moments.

I love this place so much. It makes my soul swim in deep happiness.

And looking back tonight reminds me that life will fall in place as it ebbs and flows. And that I have the choice to control my perspective.  I'm not saying that I will ignore the need to worry about the details, but I cannot allow it to control my reality. The one that I appreciate so.

1. Taking a walk on a mild fall day.

2. Gathering leaves.

3. Sleeping next to my daughter.

4. Fresh roasted coffee with cream.

Tea for Two

Our decision how to live, how to raise our kids, how to feed our family is a personal conscious activity. Sometimes I get caught up in details and simplicity morphs into a complicated web that snags and frustrates me.  I earnestly remind myself everyday to KISS life…keep is simple silly.  How kids seem to emulate this concept the best.

How about starting with tea for two?

Our full-hearted neighbor Zach begged his mom to host a tea party for Alex on a Sunday afternoon.  I think Zach loves that Alex is finally old enough to keep up with him.

Zach gave her the red carpet treatment.  Rainbow silk, tea cups, dragon tea pot.

She in turn came dressed for the occasion.

May I have a cup with a side of fairy dust?

I love that life can be this simple.  And joy is present without the use of batteries. Thank you Zach.  I love your big heart.

True to Myself

life has come a long way since yesterday I say
and its not the same old thing over again I say
just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself I say
cause I can't make you happy unless I am I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself...

day in day out I've asked many questions I say
only to find the truth it never changes I say
if you don't deal with it it keeps killing you a little by little I say
call me selfish if you will my life I alone can live I say I say I

got to be true to myself got to be true to myself…


-"True to Myself" by Ziggy Marley

Don't ask me why, but I've spend a lot of time lately reflecting on those quirky items about myself that truly make me Jen.  Maybe it's a long cold spring that leaves me idle from digging in the dirt.  But random thoughts keep popping into my consciousness telling me "that's something that you love to do" or questioning "why do I enjoy that?"  And finally I'm taking the space and the time to acknowledge at least a handful.


1) I love bounding upstairs 2 steps at a time.  Always have done it. I will be extremely sad when arthritis or age prevent me from doing so.
2) I love sitting on the floor instead of the couch; a trait that drove my mother bananas.
3) I am growing up by growing out of perfectionism.  I like the mellow(er) Jen.  Ultimately I think grad school and surviving the Willis merger beat the old me to the next hemisphere.
4) I finally admitted to myself that I'm artistic.  I knew that I was when I was a dancer, but I'm talking about using some medium to create something beautiful.  
5) I believe in the comment that you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. It's hard, but completely worth the journey.
6) I have a constant need to learn. I live for the challenge of stretching my skills and stretching the definition of who I am.  I bet that you'll see me in culinary school some day. I can just feel it.
7) I love my friends.  They are precious, supportive, loving, funny, deep, creative, & unique.
8) I love my family.  And I am so grateful that my in-laws are amazing, caring people.
9) I underestimated the love that you have for your children.  It's amazing.  A tsunami that reshapes your heart and soul.
10) I am a coffee snob. 
11) I believe in the power of smiling.
12) Getting muddy, jumping in puddles, and making snow angels never gets old.
13) I believe that you're a Christian regardless if you attend church every Sunday or at all. I wish the older people at our church would "get" that concept.
14) I am more than blessed to have a man that loves me for all the good and the bad and the feisty.
15) I deeply enjoy crafting for my friends.  Making unique gifts (and losing sleep as a result) is an outpouring of my love and appreciation.
16) I love to dance like nobody is in the room.
17) I hate my feet, but I am forever grateful to them.  I apologize to them daily for enduring 10 years of point shoes, but they have never failed me in any physical endeavor.  Ever.
18) I love gardening.  It's my cocktail.  I find my center,my zen while designing and installing beds, moving perennials, and pruning. 
19) I AM thanks to an amazing mother who gave me a healthy dose of love, structure, & creative freedom.  She is responsible for shaping the core of me. 
20) Tomorrow is always a new day. And another opportunity to love, forgive, share, care, and learn.


So have you ever thought of what unique traits and beliefs that makes you YOU?  Put pen to paper for a real challenge.  If you want, give me at least 5 thoughts about yourself. And remember, be true to yourself.